Monday, November 3, 2008

Sunday on the River Thames

Nautillus.



No. Not the mollusk kind of Nautillus.

This kind. The nuclear* kind:

Who knew? Who would suspect that those charming brown historical site signs would actually lead you to somewhere totally unexpected?

First off, a disappointing 20 minutes at Mystic Seaport. They actually expect you, our kindred romantic couples to unfold your wallet, to hand over 40 of your hard-won Bushville bucks for a stroll along the rivah.

Editorial suggestion: If you're that into old boats and ships I think you'd be better entertained and far less impoverished by spending the extra gasoline (now that it's down to $2.50 a gallon out there in down-east land) to visit Old Ironsides, the
USS Constitution, up in Charlestown. It's free.

Alas, poor Mystic. We hardly knew ye. Even the Mystic Shop proved unsuccessful as a venue for Retail Therapy.

We rate Mystic Seaport as a destination:

TOSS A COIN.

While it is true that Fair Katy thought that kids would totally dig the old sheit and whatnot, I am sure that my darling daughters would have been BORED TO TEARS within five seconds of hearing the hearty sea chanty background music that's pipe throughout the grounds. But then they are discerning travelers, not easily won over by scented candles (Mystic Shopping) or old whale boats. Been there, done that, Matha's Vinyahd and all.

On To Groton

And so we resumed our Afternoon of Sightseeing, speeding merrily eastward along 95 south, through the leafy splendor of the Connecticut shoreline, under crystalline blue skies, hoping for something - well - real. Ideally, also (as we are presently amongst the Greater Bushville's Under-Employed) - free.

When you leave I-95 towards Groton, the route will take you through a desolate landscape comprised of such fabulous attractions as cut-rate gas stations, used car lots, even a 'gentleman's club' (!)

But fear not, hearty adventurers.

For once around the perimeter of the naval base you are on course (dead ahead - stay out of the right-hand lane unless you want to chat with the Very Armed Sentries*** and generally piss off everyone queued up behind you)

to

The Submarine Force Museum

home of a beautiful**** relic of the Cold War, SSN-571. The nuclear submarine Nautillus.

Outside the museum, which I would best describe as nifty**, low-tech, spartan, informative, and totally mil, you'll find some charming smaller submarines, including this experimental number, very charming in its bathtub-toy like proportions, which ran on hydrogen peroxide and diesel fuel. Three cheers to clever Yankee sailors!



Inside you'll find all sorts of war arcana:

a 20mm anti-aircraft gun,

a Japanese battle flag decorated with skulls (where - I ask ya - are you gonna see something like that?),

various models of torpedoes -





and The Turtle. See Katy's comments below on this venerable and amazing Revolutionary War craft.

To quell the itch you've always had, as a closet Sub Commander, an obsession that no doubt lurks in all history buffs,

here's your chance to fix the enemy (or lacking that, your car in the parking lot, just in case you think you're hearing the alarm go off) in the cross-hairs of a real periscope.

How cool is that?

Very, methinks, matey.



We toured The Nautilus, and she is very yar indeed (as Hepburn and Grant were wont to say in The Philadelphia Story). Touring The Nautilus is NOT recommended for the double-wide amongst us in the American populace, however: the gangway down into Nautilus' hull is a scant 20 inches, I reckon, and the hatches between compartments require a pilates-like nimbleness to negotiate. Fun for some, impossible for others, interesting at the very least! All hands at battle stations.

The Submarine Force Museum is about 2 hours from New York City, depending on the degree of traffic dismay and chaos prevailing on Interstate 95.

We rate this venue:

DO IT!

- Curtis

* Won't it be great when we don't hear people (OK, one person in particular) pronouncing it "nuke-you-ler"?

** I
insist that I am qualified describe buildings as being 'nifty' although the term is generally eschewed by my snooty colleagues in the architectural profession.

*** Important! Those of you who would also like to have Too.Much.Fun should always, religiously follow these three simple rules:
  1. Don't piss off young people carrying automatic weapons.
  2. Even if they are our young men and women in uniform.
  3. Especially at military installations.
  4. In a future posting here on Too.Much.Fun we'll list places you can go for an adrenaline rush that don't involve rapidly discharging firearms, nor the potential for all of that.

    For instance: rush-hour, crossing the Ben Franklin Bridge, leaving Philadelphia, is the joy ride of a lifetime for drivers who'd like to experience the sheer terror / thrill of high-speed tailgating, a specialty of New Jersey drivers. (Note to all of you - my classmates and former neighbors - whom I've just pissed off royally: I am allowed to disparage Jersey drivers; I earned my license at the Shore navigating traffic circles. I earned High School Honors in fender denting.)
**** I especially dug the fake wood paneling in the Officers' Wardroom, the TEAC tape deck on a built-in shelf, and the faux-silver table service. Rank Has Its Privileges.


& Now Katy writes:

Hey, Don't Forget The Turtle (!)

My favorite piece of war-mongering materiel, in which the intrepid Ezra Lee propelled a curious vessel around the bottom of a ship looking for a suitable place to attach a bomb, or blow a hole in its side is The Turtle.

As the museum puts it:

"On display in the main exhibit area is a full size replica of Bushnell's Turtle. David Bushnell of Old Saybrook, Connecticut designed and built the Turtle to attack British warships during the Revolutionary War. The attacks Turtle made in 1776 were unsuccessful, but did demonstrate the submarine's potential. The Turtle was the first practical submarine and the first submarine to attack an enemy ship"




However -


The athletic and brave Ezra Lee had to keep surfacing, as his ability to navigate underwater was somewhat hampered; due to his fear of capture he was never able to bring his nefarious project to fruition. British sentries on the ship (the one Ezra was trying to blow up) noticed the strange craft surfacing, then submerging, resurfacing. He had to release his bomb (see the bucket on the back of the Turtle), which - admittedly - did make quite a sensational geyser, out in New York Bay when it exploded.

The model of the Turtle, with its cutaway features, shows the pilot madly peddling his various rudders and paddles.

Well worth the price of admission, which was, in fact nothing.

The photos of various First Ladies christening subs with bottles of bubbly were pretty swell too!

Ditto the pictures of Nautilus surfacing under the pack ice on its expedition to the North Pole.

Don't miss checking out Nautilus' teeny weeny sleeping racks, and the really terrifically ingenious use of space. I loved swinging through the hatches from one area to the next.

As a former cook, I have to mention the handwritten menu hung on the galley wall featuring all the comfort food a homesick boy could ever wish for: Southern Fried Chicken, meatloaf, hamburgers and french fries, buttered Brussels Sprouts and frenched beans.

A not to be soon-forgotten expedition.

- This is Katy, and I endorse this message.